please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish i was in the wii world.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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