Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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