one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
