tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
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Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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