grandma shit on top of the toilet
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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