no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
