Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Did I show you my penis last night?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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