You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
