Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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