Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
