I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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