I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
