Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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