thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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