Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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