I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
