Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes