I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?