I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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