I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story