Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
