I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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