i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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