I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
