what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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