Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
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just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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