Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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