who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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