If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
