babies were throwing up all over the place
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize