Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
