I heard we made out
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
