My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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