I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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