Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
