I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
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Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
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What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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