I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
