Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
