Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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