I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
