I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
