In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
