my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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