I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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