How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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