I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
