Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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