Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
