drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
tell me about the eggs
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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