I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
