I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You can't just leave with hair like that
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
