I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
