That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
