Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!