y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
this will be a night to untag.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
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Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee