did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
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He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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