Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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