I will die if light touches me.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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