Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize