my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
