How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
