I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
