I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
